It has been a long time since I've blogged. I used to blog more than anybody else I knew, hands down. I liked having my life out in the open for all to see. It was because of my blog that I met my now wife Kellie. Perhaps I got to a point in my life in which I just didn't need to see my thoughts in front of me anymore. So a few years have gone by and I find myself within my mind struggling to understand why I feel the way I feel.
My lonely past:
When I first started my blog, I was going through a divorce, and I needed an outlet for my anger and depression. In turn, I saved just about every blog I wrote during my "myspace" days. When I read them a few months ago, I was in shock by how dark the majority of my posts were. I hated my life then and damn near every aspect of it. I hated what had happened to me, I hated where I worked, and I hated myself most of all. It was sad to constantly be mind-fucked by myself for years on what had happened to me. Going home to my then apartment, aka: The Dungeon, it felt as cold as I felt inside myself. Once Sara broke up with me, I knew that there had to be something extremely wrong with me. Or so I thought, for a long ass time.
I don't live in the past anymore, although I do remember it from time to time. There is a strange feeling when you have dealt with the anger, when you have dealt with your mistakes and most importantly accepted what you can and cannot change. When the anger is gone, when the depression is gone, and life starts to look up, you wonder just how long it will last. This is where I'm at in my life as we speak.
When I left Nebraska, it was to "start over" again. Although there never is a starting over point, just another chapter in life. I left on my own accord, after enduring what I felt like was hell for 2+ years, damn near being fired, living in a shitty apartment and feeling more alone than I have ever felt. When there was no family, my best friends were moving forward with their lives, I didn't want to burden them with the horrible details of my life. My thoughts were dark during that time, suicide dark. Some days I prayed to just not wake up that night. Those 2 years changed something in me, deep down, that person who became hardened. Sometimes I miss feeling the old way, the "I care too much". Most of the time, it was either I care or I just don't give a shit, with the majority of the time on the not giving a shit. I guess when you get so used to things being terrible and they stay that way for so long, it really changes you. It is a change of seasons, and the season is changing again.
I look at my life now from a new perspective, one in which I sort of admire myself for outlasting that time without falling down. I pulled myself out of the darkness completely on my own. Life has more meaning to me than it ever did. Everything feels more real to me. My marriage, my job, my life in general. I look at the amazing progress of my life, from what I was to what I am now. It helps to be able to keep that perspective in my life to remember the time in which the sunshine was always covered, and it seemed to storm an awful lot. Occasionally, when I do look back, it still brings tears to my face, because I did fight so hard to hold myself together. I just wanted to be loved and to be needed, more than anything. I was so lonely back then.
To think about bringing a new life into this world, to be apart of my life is just unbelievable. It is also why I decided to blog again, to understand myself, to see my thoughts in front of me, even if I am the only one who will read it. I find it so hard now to put my feelings out there, to feel vulnerable, even in front of my own wife. Mostly because she would never really understand what level of emotional ruin I was in, she would never really understand how low I really did get during that time because she has never experienced it herself. Not to say that makes me better, but it is something very few people with ever know. To fight on when there doesn't feel like any reason to do so, because you not being there wouldn't have mattered. I still remember feeling this way, and how "lost" I really was inside.
